Letters from TC: Presence
I can't help but to think about my own. What feelings and emotions do I radiate when I enter a room? Are they positive? Do they draw people in? Based on my past experiences and online presence, I think that they do.. but if people are drawn in, then why do I feel so very lonely sometimes?
Lately I've been grappling with reality, and my perception of it. I'm still trying to turn my lemons to lemonade but something tells me I need to go elsewhere, in hopes that life will give me entirely different fruits. Though lemonade has proved to be quenching and satisfying in the past, the flavor has become far too familiar. Apple or orange juice would be a nice change.
In large part, I think my perception of reality has a lot to do with my presence. The way I fit into the space I've chosen to exist in. I hold my originality in high regard, however it's hard to be boldly and fearlessly original in an environment where everyone else is so... homogenous. Nothing around me seems to change. It's rare that I walk the street and encounter someone that makes me stop in my tracks and question their story. It's rare that I notice anyone else around me, solely for their uniqueness and standout characteristics. I'm surrounded by lemons, too many of them, and making lemonade has gotten tiring, and tasteless.
As I've mentioned several times on socials, I'm oddly obsessed with Gilmore Girls. I've always had a thing for white cis sitcoms, because they all seem to be so carefree. They spend an entire 30 minute episode making sarcastic jokes and drinking coffee, as if that's all there is to life. It's so vastly different from my reality, which is why I think I find it so interesting. Sarcasm can be hard to differentiate in real life, and coffee makes me .. well, yeah. The point in me bringing up my intrigue with middle aged white women's television shows, is that in them, nothing ever really changes. Season after season, the entire cast lives in the same city, frequents the same restaurant, and works the same jobs. They live in the same house, which we (as viewers) become so familiar with. In reality, this sounds terrible! But sitcoms make it look so satisfyingly comfortable. To deal with the complacency of my life and my presence in it, I've tried to think about it as a sitcom. To view my friends and family as my cast mates, and my city as the 'set'. This works sometimes, but as of late it's only pointed me to the stark realization that my life is not a sitcom, and if it is, it's not a very good one. Surely not one that I'd curl up in bed with a tub of ice cream to watch. If I'm currently starring in a mini series, I want to cancel it. I want to banish it away to a dvd disk-set that hides in the dust ridden corners of an old family video store.
I want the opportunity to star in something new. Something very, very different.
If you’ve read this far, then you should know that this was written back in September, before I made the decision to come to California. I don’t feel these same emotions as deeply as I did several months ago, but I thought this letter still might be worth sharing, in case it speaks to any of you.
Thank you, and much love,
TC
Above I’m wearing a tunic style shirt by Silence + Noise, cap by Threadhouse Co., bag from Amazon, belt from Nasty Gal, and thrifted pants.
